The good news is that I can positively identify my attacker. The assailant is a bald headed, light skinned African-American male about 6’1” who weighs about 175 pounds and goes by the street name Shaun T.
Yes, I am talking about the reigning prince of boot camp fitness, “Mr. Insanity” himself.
I have been committed to getting back in shape. I typically work out at the gym and was getting decent results, but I needed something different.
I had heard of the physical fitness empire built by the behemoth Shaun T, and I’ve marveled at this muscle man on television and wondered if he would stand up to all the hype.
We started with one of his first cardio DVDs. Shaun T is in a gym with an equally fit posse of participants with not an ounce of body fat between them…lol.
Historically when I work out, I am accustomed to doing a set and resting a few minutes before I start the next exercise. Shaun T’s Insanity workout flips the script and works you like a pack mule for three minutes with only 30 seconds to recover before the Insanity starts again.
But before you get to the exercises, you have to survive the warm-up, or as I loving refer to it, the 10-minute cardiac arrest.
This warm-up session will truly let you know just how out of shape you really are. I was just three minutes in when I slipped, fell and almost drowned in a small wading pool of my own sweat.
This guy definitely knows what he is doing. He baits you during the grueling cardio routines. You are sweating buckets, your joints ache and the only thing louder than the background music is the sound of your own labored breathing, but just when you are about to say “I quit,” Shaun T whips off his shirt. So now that you are face to face with the physical perfection that is Shaun T, you realize maybe, just maybe, that you too can have a six pack like Shaun T instead of the 40 ounces of Old E I carried around.
My love-hate relationship continued for more than two weeks. And like anyone who has been assaulted, I wanted proof of the attack, so I posted daily pictures of my grueling encounters. I noticed almost immediately after posting to Facebook that other victims would come forward to share similar stories of how Shaun T had whooped their big butts into shape.
I had been indoctrinated into a bizarre, cult-like following of P90X, Insanity, Asylum Shaun T followers I dubbed as Insaninites…lol. The Insaninites have their own culture. Folks were coming forward offering to be my coach, and alumni of the Insanity workout were all bragging about the coveted Insanity “I Earned It” t-shirt, which you can only get by submitting pre- and post-Insanity abuse pictures of yourself.
I have to admit that I began to look forward to my encounters with Shaun T, so I decided to try his latest endeavor: Hip Hop Abs.
I went online after watching the infomercial more times than I can count. Hip Hop Abs was on sale for $19.95, so basically for the price of an eight-piece family meal at KFC, I could dance myself into a beach body, bathing suit, summer, svelte physique.
My adventure online was eye opening and helped me appreciate how Shaun T built and maintains his empire. Before I could purchase Hip Hop Abs, I literally had to turn down about 15 other items. Shaun T was trying to sell me vitamins, meal replacement shakes, recovery juice, nutrition guides, workout charts, measuring tape and, I think, a BeachBody enema kit to literally flush those pesky pounds away.
Almost 20 minutes later, I finally emerged with a confirmation number for my Hip Hop Abs DVD. I also realized that the only thing more grueling than Shaun T’s cardio workout might be his online sales pitch…smile.