Professor Locs

Holiday Travels On the Road Again

Once every few years the planets align themselves, the barometric pressure is correct, gas prizes have stabilized and I have had just enough cocktails to agree to take a road trip.

My Sister convinced me that it would be a good idea this year to drive to Texas for Thanksgiving to see the family and pick up my nephew. 

I am still seeing my support group from the last time we set out on the road, like a Black, Sister, Brother version of Thelma and Louise. 

Let me share that I do not like long trips for the following reasons:  I have a phobia of bridges, heights, public restrooms, big trucks and states with poor radio reception. 

I also forgot how crazy it is traveling with women.  I am a gay man but managed to condense my bags to a few essentials including, vertical striped apparel to make me look slimmer in case I met anyone from High School. 

My Sister on the other hand emerges with her Titanic cruise ship coordinated luggage each weighing approximately 100 pounds.  If we were taking a small plane we would be grounded due to weight restrictions.  She actually had one bag for just her wigs and shoes. There was also a separate bag for make-up and other essentials.  Luckily the feminine product packages have evolved so there was no need for cables and the luggage rack, see early post Real Men Buy Pink.

We hit the road early in the morning and drove endlessly, only stopping to refuel, stretch our legs, minds and monitor "Dexter" like characters at the rest areas.

We ironically decide, as two Black travelers, to eat at, of all the places Cracker Barrel.  Although driving through Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana there are so many other international stops of high dining options.

My favorites include, Alabama's, " Uncle Buddy's Kitchen and Chapel" where apparently on Wednesday's you eat for free if you marry your third cousin.

Then who could resist  "Earl's Barbecue, Bait and Tackle Shop" in Mississippi. 

But if you really wanted exotic cuisine you had to sample "Voo Doo Rhonda's Cajun Hut" which boasted an authentic shrunken head with each side of red beans and rice.

My Sister lamented that she could not remember where we would eat when we traveled as kids.  We grew up in the South and although it was post civil rights our families would never stop at restaurants but chose to wake up very early, fry chicken and make us eat in the car, at rest stops or on the side of the road as if we were part of some kind of Post Modern Underground Rail Road Car pool. 

Finally after an exhausting twelves hours on the road, and me being appropriately medicated to deal with the trip, we finally reach Texas where you are barely across the border and their is a sign saying El Paso 847 miles.  I am not sure if they are trying to traumatize travelers or the state is just a Size Queen. 

Stay tuned for further holiday reports.  Share and post your holiday memories or horror stories.  And as always support by subscribing and posting comments. 

Oprah's Last Show

Oprah revealed on yesterday that her last show would be in the year 2011.  White women and gay men will observe an official day of mourning when the final show day is released.  Oprah is an iconic figure.  She epitomizes the American dream.  Where else can you be a big, Black, woman from the South and emerge as Media Diva of the World. 

Some people have quoted what will she do?  Well let's see, she just finished a $200 million dollar cable radio deal; she owns several other talk shows including Dr. Phil,  "O" magazine, her own cable network.  I am sure she will try and pick up the pieces and find some purpose for her life. 

Get a clue she can do whatever the hell she wants.  She can buy Canada and have the worlds biggest block party. 

We have seen many iconic shows end their run, Mash, All In the Family, Johnny Carson and honorable mention Good Times.  Who will be Oprah’s last guest? Top last guest contenders are President Obama, Nelson Mandela, Carrot Top or pending scheduling restrictions Jesus Christ?

And as always please subscribe and support.

Real Men Buy Pink

My Sister has been staying with us off and on for the last couple of months because she is working with a client.  I grew up in a house full of women but I must say I am sort of out of practice.  You forget some of the trappings with sharing a space with women.

Lingerie in the bathroom, holding purses in the bra and pantie section (insert first therapy session) and monthly cycles.  It is true women who live together have a tendency of having similar cycles or what I would affectionately call “Demon Days”. 

Living with women you experience weird things like accidentally showering with some of her Summer’s Eve one day.  It wasn’t such a big deal until some of my lesbian friends kept commenting on how they liked my new cologne. 

So I am watching TV and my Sister comes to me and asks an all too familiar question, can you go to the store with me I need to get some feminine products.  It was like I had been zapped back in time wearing an OP t-shirt and Vans.  Before you ask, yes this is also traumatizing to gay men. 

The only difference is that I would not have to deal with being historically traumatized by a cashier yelling for a price check on Stay-free Maxi pads and then having the added humiliation of having to strap a pink box the size of an ottoman to my handle bars and biking home.  The box was so big I had the feeling of being one of those double wide trailers that people have to hunk at and go around on the highway.

Flash forward we are in Wal-Mart and it was like it was yesterday.  There I was on the feminine napkin aisle with my Sister and apparently keeping her safe in the dark parking lot against muggers is not enough.  She actually asked my opinion on what brand to purchase.  I am glad that she feels our relationship can handle this type of open exchange but no way. 

What point of reference would I have?  I do not sit around doing market studies on the effectiveness of maxi pads or absorption studies.

Guys is there an equal scenario of humiliation?  What if I had marched her to the male underwear section and inquired which one of these briefs best accents my package?  Or, taken her to the toiletries section and asked which brand of jock itch cream is less lightly to irritate the jewels?

Boundaries people!  Please share your most traumatizing feminine product story.  Subscribe and support.

 

911 Sex Call

A Tampa man, Joshua Basso, apparently was broke, horny and lazy when he placed a series of 911 calls asking for sex.  People I’m not making this stuff up.  You can’t write about stuff this stupid.   Who among us has not either been on the receiving end or even placed a booty call but our civil service workers have got to draw the line somewhere. 

Even if the 911 operator was willing to participate, what kind of phone sex would that be?  “Hey tell me how tight is your cubicle?  Or damn you are banging in that headset girl?”

I predict the next series of crazy 911 calls:

911 Operator: 911 What is your emergency?

Crazy Caller:  I’m at the grocery store and I ‘m lactose intolerant can I still eat milk duds?

911: Operator:  911 What is your emergency?

Crazy Caller: I've been looking for my remote for over an hour and the 5 o'clock news is almost over.

911 Operator:  911 What is your emergency?

Crazy Caller: My dog has gingivitis and a history of violent behavior, should I floss Diablo before brushing?

And my personal favorite is:

911 Operator: 911 What is your emergency?

Crazy Caller: Help, I have fallen and I can’t get up, to reach my teeth, to eat my brand muffin, to keep me regular.

Please fill free to comment and post your crazy 911 call.  Please subscribe and support. 

Gay Exorcism

A Connecticut church posted what looks to be a gay exorcism being performed.  Now when I first saw the title I thought maybe it will be like the Exorcist but instead of the guy's head turning around and spitting pea soup he would just serve face and Vogue. 

I must share that my younger Sister in one her Holy Roller stages actually sneaked up behind me while I was watching TV and clamped my head and begin to say that she was exercising the "homosexual demons" from me. I thought there were some speaking in tongues but upon closer analysis I think she was just ordering Chinese food very rapidly.

I resisted the urge to spritz her with my bear spray but calmly explained that on behalf of the suspected "homosexual demons" and myself, that if she did not promptly remove her hand, I would be exercising my foot from her nether regions. Exorcism averted.

After watching the tape I realized what novices these church guys were at performing an Exorcism.  All that yelling and thrashing about was so unnecessary.  Anyone knows that all you need to bring out a "homosexual demon" is some house music, a few Cosmopolitans, Show Tune Karaoke and an International Male Catalog.  Amateurs!  Please subscribe and comment.

Bustin Windows on Glee

If you ever wondered who was more fierce a white gay boy or a pissed off big Sister, then Glee has answered that question for you.  I told you guys that Glee is my new guilty pleasure.  Mercedes Jones delivers a fierce rendition of "Bust Your Windows", enjoy.

Monkey Business on Ophrah

Oprah recently had the woman who was attacked by her friend’s chimpanzee on her show.  This story is wrong on so many levels.  First of all we do not have pets that are wild and dangerous.  Here is a rule of thumb, if you see something at the zoo that is behind bars or in a cage then that should be a hint and a half for your ass that you should not have that animal as a pet. 

 

You have never seen a boxer or a Siamese cat in a zoo right.  There is no hamster house at the zoo. 

 

Secondly there was something unnatural about the relationship the woman had with the chimp.  When you dress your chimp in outfits, sleep with the chimp, have cocktails and go out for brunch that is no longer a pet.  You are dating.  

 

And maybe this is cultural but if my friend called and asked me to help them put their medicated, agitated 200-pound chimp in the cage, I would be like hell to the no.  This is not a pissed off beagle. This beast weighs more than me and fights like Mike Tyson, so no you need to handle that yourself Jane of the Jungle. 

Katt Williams 911 Call

Katt Williams had someone call 911 saying that they were being held against their will.  Sometimes I am just so thankful that I get up in the morning because you cannot write better stuff than the crazy reality some folks are involved in. 

I don’t know what is more crazy the 911 call or the fact that Katt Williams is holding someone against their will without a weapon.    What is he 4’11” 80 pounds holding a big box of perms. You can tell the 911 operators do not know who Katt Williams is because they did not immediately start laughing.

That is like being held against your will by Miley Cyrus, The Olsen Twins or Clay Aiken.  Even if was the the truth I would go to my grave before I told anyone.  And is it just me or does it sound like Katt is a cougar in disguise with a young boy toy held up in the cougar den?  You be the judge, tell me what you think.

Precious Film Debut

The film Precious grossed over 2 million dollars opening weekend . If you ever wondered what Oprah and Tyler Perry’s baby would look like, it would be a 300 pound black girl powerhouse, who delivers what some are claiming an Oscar worthy performance.

Monique delivers an equally Oscar worthy performance.  She cast away her funny girl image to become the monstrous mother of Precious.  I am excited about any film about a big Black woman that does not involve a Black man in drag, insert Madea and Big Mommas House. 

Precious is getting a lot of buzz but be warned this film is dark.  I just watched the trailer and I had to immediately go to the pet store, hug some puppies while listening to the Sesame Street Christmas album, before I put down the razor blades. 

Usher Divorce Final

R & B singer and heartthrob Usher is finally divorced.  Cougar down! Cougar down!  Tameka Ramond his ex-wife and former baby sitter, claims that she thought their marriage could be saved and were intimate as recent as June.   Breaking him off a little something does not mean reconciliation.  Speaking of breaking things,  the couple was recently in the headlines for a 911 call about car keying, see earlier post.  It is open season all you Cougar and cougar bait enthusiast.  It’s going to be a hot time in the tall grass tonight.