Breaking Dawn 2 Film Review: Just Bite Me

Today I broke down and did it. I went against my better judgment and went to see the final saga of the Twilight series Breaking Dawn 2. 

I have had a sort of "Ike and Tina" relationship with the Twilight series. It is unhealthy and even abusive sometimes but for some reason I keep returning hoping maybe this time it will be different.  Well I deserve the metaphorical black eye I am sporting after sitting through the last film in this exhaustive series.

There should be a new rating for films produced for giggly teenage girls.

I did not see Breaking Dawn 2 for enjoyment but more out of a quest that had been started or the necessity to receive your last treatment of rabies shots.

The Twilight series has gotten on my nerves since its inception. Twilight has been my expired milk. I know it's three days past due but I am somehow compelled to smell it anyway.

  I love vampire genre but let’s face it the Twilight characters are not real vampires. I don't think I even remember seing one fang that was not on a wolf during the entire series.  Twilight vamps are like vampires who meet the cast of 90210.  Most of the vampires in Twilight are twinks except for the big hunk eye candy Emmet. 

I'm like did any of these vampires eat a hamburger before they were turned?

I swear if it had not been for the constant eye candy of Jacob shirtless and his wolf pack it would have been a total bust.  Go team Jacob!

Please do not even get me started on the one note acting of Bella.  You know it’s bad when you start hoping that the main character in the last film finally dies. 

Well no such luck because not only does she not die in the last film we pick up right where I tossed my lunch from Breaking Dawn 1.  Bella wakes up as a vampire and spends the first part of the film enjoying her new vampire powers. 

Bella and Edward have done the nasty and produced some new bi-mythical child who is half vampire half human.  Did we not already explore this theme in the Blade series?  Anyway bi-vamp kids are historically a bad omen as they do not grow up but have the temperament, egos and appetites of child TV stars. 

Well the old heads, the Volturi, are not having anything to do with this new abomination and it looks as if the makings of a good old fashioned vampire blood bath are about to go down. 

I did appreciate that the last film showed the most people of color and the most interesting vampires and their talents, especially the vampire elemental.

There was one point in the film where me and the teenage girl in front of me were both crying but mine was more from the reality that I would never get the time wasted on this series back.

But I digress, back to the story.

So each group is gathered in a snow filled clearing and when I tell you a giant can of whoop ass is finally opened. This is an old school versus new school vampire beat down. When they take out Dakota Fanning's character the entire small audience erupted in applause. I have not seen so many people get this happy over a white woman getting her due since the last time Lindsey Lohan was in court.

Finally you think the series has finally grown a pair and is giving us some real, fierce vampire action until wait, spoiler alert, the whole thing is just a premonition. I think I had a minor seizure right then and there in the theater.  The rest of the audience joined me in a community groan of disapproval. 

Then to add insult to injury we had to endure a montage of all the sappy moments between Bella and Edward.  The rest was just a blur as I was trying to turn my popcorn box into a make shift shank and end it all. 

All I can say is that the saga is over, thank God.  Bella can just bite me!

Comments

[Nikita]

"There should be a new rating for films produced for giggly teenage girls."

I agree, entirely. Thanks for suffering that tripe for us. Your efforts weren't in vain. Also makes me sad how the standards seem so low. Maybe I should write some crap book on par with this and 50 Shades (which started out as a Twilight erotic fanfic) and wait for the lonely housewife and hyperhormonal teenage girl dollars to roll in!

[HannaH Jane]

Here, here, Professor! I think one of the things that bothers me most about Twilight, other than the complete departure from Vampire lore with no clear reasoning why the past couple thousand years of stories were wrong, is how much it draws on desperation. It's hard to write love stories that ring true. Desperation is an effective tool for a writer to use, but it's not an good depiction of any healthy relationship. Desperation itself isn't healthy. I know that as a writer you're not trying to create "normal" typically because that would be boring. However, most desperate relationships are doomed to failure, and you're not doing the lore, the archetype, or the symbol any service by creating a "happily everafter" that's doomed from the start. Yes, stories entertain, but they also tell us how to live. And the BEST stories do both. Writers should strive to create real-extraordinary if they want to create something lasting rather than just a fad. That said, this fad has created a lot of cash just as Nikita has pointed out! We could all use some of that. Myself, if I ever see commercial success a mere fraction of Twilight, I do hope that it will be something that I am proud of, that fits with the lore, and that lasts.

[Professor Locs]

Very well put Hannah. The entire storyline was such a departure from any historical concept of Vampire lore that it just got under my skin. I like your point regarding the desperation of the relationship. I like viewing it through that particular filter. I also agree that I would love to have a fraction of the success....smile. Let's put it out there in the universe and claim our just rewards! Thank you for reading and sharing some very significant points.

[Professor Locs]

Nikita you are crazy...LOL I know you have more to say but if you do write such a story to get paid then I am not mad at you. Just remember me when you need a vacation buddy in Paris....smile. Thank you for reading and sharing your comments.

[richrd butts]

...just saying, ain't had this kind of clarity and perception in a review for a movie since rex reed! i think a pilot screen reviewer series is screaming to Bravo;<)